God is in Control

I cried almost everyday this week over something that I have been struggling with for two months. Apparently my body isn't down with the whole breastfeeding jazz. We had the whole first year of Madeline's life planned out.We would raise a wise and kind young woman and save some ducketts along the way. A few well-intentioned strategies for our little trio.

The hospital asks you if you have a birthing plan which is just plain confusing for a first time mom because you have no idea what you want or how to articulate the little you do know. Lights on, lights off, visitors or no, PKU shots or wait. Shaken or stirred...I mean, huh?

Then EVERYONE wants to know how you are going to diaper your child. James and I discovered that this was just dangling bait for a long opinionated convo...We soon started to play dumb...(Uhhh babies need diapers? We'll get right on that)

Even more folks want the lowdown on breastfeeding.

These days I am unnaturally fascinated with my chest and its ability (or lack thereof).
I am consumed with finding the perfect cloth diapering techniques.
I'm making plans left and right and I can't be stopped.

Every plan seems to demand precise execution.
Every decision feels like it has eternal consequences. (Let me tell you the freedom I experienced when I realized that she won't be in diapers or on the nip for the rest of her life...deep relief, ya'll)

Here we are in the (almost) third month of my daughter's life and already some of my plans are faltering, augmenting, disappearing because life is happening and I had not planned on that. I'm back at work and being a working mom is challenging.
I came home early crying to James like their was a death in the family because I can't provide enough breast-milk for my daughter. Despite my very best efforts, good diet, water, "rest", herbs and lactation cookies (yes, that's a thing) this milk cow may have to be put out to pasture. My plan needs some tweaking and its an unexpected blow to my self-worth as a mom.

I can't control my what happens on my block or kitchen or nursery or marriage or in my own body, apparently.

But I am encouraged and blown away by a G-d who can and does. Ok, that is an understatement. I am more than encouraged My hope is renewed and my faith is under inspection because I serve the one true G-d who sets things in motion and sees them to fulfillment just the way He's planned it. No power on earth or in hell can shake it. My personal inability, lack of faith in His sovereignty nor my disobedience can stop the Lord's plans. What a great and awesome G-d I serve. How does He do it?! What might and wisdom! What dominion and control He has. The best part is that He calls me his own and has written the course of my life in His great narrative of love. I am learning to abide with Him daily-to say, "I've decide to follow Jesus. No turning back" because I need His grace when my plans fall through.

I feel like I have been skyrocketed to a whole 'nutha level of knowing my God. My head exploded from the realization of His greatness and brought me down to a moment with Him to contemplate the simplest of truths...Chaos my feel constant but GOD IS FEARLESSLY IN CONTROL. This mom understands that in a brand new way now. I guess that was His plan all along.