Mommy Said, "No!"

There is nothing relaxing about getting off work anymore. Not a dang thing. Even winding down for bedtime runs a strict stopwatch. With Madeline now 8 almost 9 months (Yowza!) James and I spend our evening switching off wrangle-duty. It's an unspoken rule. Someone cooks the other rocks the kid. Someone cleans and the other keeps her from fatal injury. Ever. Single. Night. Madeline has no idea what a weekend is so we gets no breaks. But it's fun and funny when we allow it to be. This is chaos that we literally created and we love every wild moment.

In the midst of this chaos my sympathy has grown exponentially for my mom. I stole her time and sanity and Madeline reminds me everyday to call her and apologize. (Sorry Mom, again)

My sympathy has also grown for my G-d.

They say that you never truly know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I feel like I just laced up and on this new journey I am experiencing G-d's love and patience for me in ways that make want to just repent and say, "Thank you, Lord."

So Madeline has become quite fond of her dad's new PS4.  Who can blame her? She's like a moth to a flame. Her little hands tease us as we watch her decide if she is going to touch it or move on to a parent-approved toy.

"Madeline Sofia, No...Noooo...Don't touch that...Mommy said, 'No'... Maaaaadeline...make good choices", I say. And sometimes she actually does. She stops what she is doing and moves on. These proud parental, my-kid-is-a-obedient-genius moments are fleeting because she is only 8 months old and for the most part this is probably some kind of game to her as her over the shoulder sly smile would indicate.

There are definitely rules to this game. James and I practice patience giving her time to choose well. We don't yell at her but we are firm and we praise her when she pleases us with obedience. We also don't stand guard over things that tempt her. Our home is baby-proofed for safety. The usual baby-gate and baby-plug covers abound and such but it is still our home and we still have our things out. Our hope is that Madeline will come to understand that though some things may be in her reach it doesn't mean that she can have them.

Our set-up makes for some long exasperating moments but we want our daughter to learn obedience.

So the last time we played this "game" I turned to James and laughed. I said, "we must drive the Lord nuts every time we return to sin." I could hear Him saying, "Monique Danye`, No...Noooo...Don't touch that...Your Lord said, 'No'... Moooooonique...make good choices" Sometimes I do listen but when he catches me eyeing temptation with eager hands I wonder if He feels the same exasperation I feel towards my daughter.

I have struggled and continue to struggle (for years) in some of the same areas of sin. It just seems as if it would be easier if the Lord just removed the temptation altogether. Put it on a different shelf or room. Hide it behind a book. Anything to keep it from taunting me. I suppose the reality is G-d desires for me to grow in  trust and obedience in a world that will not shield me from the fact that it is fallen. My obedience is evidence of my heart for Him. I would hope my time with the Lord is more relaxing than my every night with lil Madeline Sofia.

Bottles and Daily Bread

My daughter has a true Hoskin's appetite. The only thing that gets between her and her bottle is congestion. She eats multiple times during the day plus a time or two at night.  I tell that James that she must have a hollow leg (I usually, accidentally say wooden leg) because I have no idea where it all goes. She didn't get that from her mama, that's for sure.

I know when she is hungry even before she realizes it because I am a pretty awesome and attentive mom. So I have her bottle readied with frothy vittles before she can think to whimper. My downfall as a parent is that I never have a bottle ready a week in advance. Not even a day in advance. Parenting fail - I know. 

When I am late for a feeding (sounds so carnal) the girl lets me know. We do not have one of those soft, sweet-cry babies. She screams. She kicks. She is inconsolable. Do not rock, tickle or sing until you have a bottle in hand. All I think is, "I know how you feel, kid."

James and I have spent the past (only) two years of our marriage riding the waves of Hope and Wait. Sometimes excited but many days just feeling like we are being pulled away from security's shore into really choppy, deep, dark water. Because despite my sweet hubs best attempts and hustle he just could not find a job. Doing anything. He humbled himself and was forced to forget the fact that he has a Master's degree and applied for EVERYTHING that came around...almost 2 years of no returned calls or interviews. So.much.fun. So fun because while we waited my car broke down, we had a baby and celebrated with friends and family who were walking through open doors of financial blessing and opportunity. We asked for provision. We trust(ed) God. We waited to be fed. We wanted to know, for certain, that next week there would be provision or at least a clear sign of easier times. But God gave us our daily bread (which we literally prayed for every morning *plug for the 23rd Psalm).

So that sounds cliche, right? Well, living it felt cliche' and very uncomfortable, at times, until I realized that my daughter never screams for a bottle days in advance. I give her what she needs when it's time and she trusts me without any concept of trust. In fact, I doubt that the hunger of next week ever crosses her mind. I want to be like my daughter. Trusting without talking myself into it or having to attend a revival meeting to be reminded of all that He has done and is doing.

So here is the real. Our Hoskins' trio didn't have a Griswold Christmas in a new house like we planned. Although, "watching" Madeline "open" her gifts was the best. We didn't end 2014 with a family trip to Brazil. We still share one car (thank God for Waco "traffic"). We saved well and then watched our savings dwindle as we paid for daycare, repairs, groceries and hospital bills. And it sucked but that's what savings are for. I occasionally reminded G-d that we were getting down to the end and I just wanted to make sure He had not forgotten. Then I relaxed and got to know Him. Trust grew. My heart led my head to the Lord. 

January was the month to kick the job hunt into high gear and March was the month that we would run out. In January, I paid for Madeline's first month of daycare (a new car would be less expensive). God saw it. He never stops seeing. James tearfully dropped off his sweet lil bean and received a call for his first interview in almost 2 years. 2 years, people! There is never a coincidence in the life of a disciple of Jesus. And hope sprung a leaf or pushed us towards shore or you catch my drift. And more opportunity came. Although, it wasn't in the form of a full-time pastorate position and a parsonage in a diverse community so, naturally, we pouted a bit. Oh man, if only we can just stay mature for longer than an hour in quiet time. 

Just this week James called me with news that he was about to get hired for a job for which he didn't even apply and I did not want provision and blessing to find us pouting in the corner. 

You know, I would be plain miserable if Madeline screamed for food a week in advance. I think I would be hurt if she threw down, in disgust, what I worked hard to provide. 

I know that despite my best efforts, joyful tithe giving and overall Christ-like behavior sorrow will find me. I know when I stand uncomfortable and unsure in need G-d will provide. I know when shore is a memory and I am weary G-d will give me rest. I don't want to scream, kick and pout until G-d shows me His hand because then I miss out on all the good stuff with Him. Just being with Him is really so wonderful. Provision will come when it's time; maybe just next week or year but Hope will carry you. Christ will not fail.