Pillow Talk~Static Cling Edition

Just for future reference it is much easier to have hard conversations on soft pillows. Defenses are down in this neutral zone.

Last Thursday...
Surrounded by cotton, down and the Bounce-aroma of static-free sheets, James and I finished a conversation on race that began earlier that afternoon. Like I have said before, some of these conversations are avoidable and most are not. We have become quite shrewd at determining which is which. I am grateful for James who will diffuse what could be a heated discourse by reminding me that in OUR house we love each other in spite of skin color and we also love & honor each other because what our skin color means.

These are the Hoskins' House~House Rules

I do not think it is necessary to offer the world a verbatim because honestly I do not want to build divided platform and stir up the temptation to take a side...Know this...I will always take James' side even if I, wholeheartedly (my stake is firmly in the ground) disagree with him. You'll get it when you get home.

I will, however, offer you the take-away. They are the kind that can be read in any color. Trust me.

Marriage doesn't mean agreement...it may rarely mean seeing eye to eye...

A lack of agreement DOES NOT mean a lack of love or respect. I repeat, a lack of agreement DOES NOT mean a lack of love and respect.

Outwardly, James and I are as different as different can get...(hello Capt. Obvious). Of all of the places in the world our home must be a safe place to disagree, to process, to be right, to be wrong and to learn. It just has to be. We cannot berate, demean and bully the other into submission because there are a line of people waiting outside our door to do so.

James is not a black woman and I am not a white man. We never will be and that is OKAY.

This is not as easy to remember as you may think but whatever your differences are you must accept them while becoming a student of them and the black community has met no better pupil than Mr. James Hoskins....ha! Lemme teeelllllll you! My color represents my culture. It is more than just a conversation piece in the month of February. I love my blackness. I love to talk about it. I love to study it. I love to boast about it. I'm so glad James does too. But it ain't all about me so I listen to my man and hear what it's like for him to be a white man from Texas...and my eyes are opening up to something brand new that I thought I already knew. What a gift. You want to know how to "do" race relations in an edifying way?...come sup with the Hoskins' one evening. 

James' heart for me is LOVE and he is a GOOD man who fears God.

During our talk my emotions ebbed and flowed. I would like to say that I controlled them but I was lazy so I found myself just riding the wave in danger, at times, of getting swept away...until I heard the voice of God (which sounds a lot like Mattie) saying, "Remember his heart for you...remember his heart for me...remember his heart." The hair that had bristled up on the back of my neck would soften and smooth out as I relaxed and unclenched my jaw saying, "Help me remember...Thank you, Lord, for his heart." Conversation continued and the process would start all over again. 

Another take-away...if you are doing it right you become a prayerful schizophrenic. There was a lot going on in my head. I'm talking to him and talking to the Lord all at the same time. Giving up my need for control. Stripping off my desire to not only be understood but be right. Realizing that I don't need these things, I need Jesus. 

I NEED JESUS.

Pillow talk is precious to me. I believe it to be vital for a marriage to survive, wherever your pillow may be. Soooo many dreams are formulated there. Soooo many things are discovered and worked out. When hard conversations hit soft pillows I find myself clinging to Jesus desperately because he is the ONLY one who can change me....make me over...soothe me...truly understand me...He is the only one who can bring understanding to us newlyweds. He is the one who gives me kind words to say. He is the one who urges James to speak up and speak truth. He is the one we follow together. Hand in hand. Life happens everyday. We cannot run from the stresses of the world even in the safety of our home so we cling to Christ like static on sheets and Bounce doesn't stand a chance. 

Oh yeah...and...

We have miles to go before we sleep.

(no, I'm not trying to cop and twist the rhythmic words of Robert Frost)

For the love!...we are still learning. It took me four years to earn my MDiv and I am no where near being a Master of all things Divine. So,why in the world should we know how to do marriage by now? I simply mean we made vows for the LONG haul so if things don't get fully unfurled on some random Thursday in the 5th month of our marriage...psssst...it's ok...we have a long way to go and a lot of time to figure things out.