My Mo-lijah Moment

You ever try to unwind the coiled telephone cord of a land-line phone? The more you pull and untwist the hairier the circumstance becomes. I felt an absurd amount of tension last week, AB.SURD. It wasn't regular tension either. It was wifey tension. If Webster's Dictionary defined "Wifey Tension" it would read something like this...

Wifey Tension /ˈwīfē/ /ˈtenSHən/:  stress felt from the overwhelming thought that you probably suck as a wife and need to get yourself together.

Marriage is not so much about two holy faces aglow in global ministry with your better half by your side as it is being open to God to use this holy relationship to slice straight to the heart of your own brokenness. 31 years alive and it's like Monique and Mo are just being introduced. I hope they can be friends because Mo is quite a little snot sometimes. And, maaan, I sounded jaded but I really do love this season of life because I trust God and I trust James and I don't fear this level of vulnerability because of the love I feel. I am exposed but not injured, humbled but not humiliated. And, really, this is the blessing of it all.

I called my mom and I was just about shaking and ready to cry. I told her of the many ways I was discovering my flaws and how I am ready to be done with them. James fully accepts me for who I am but Lord knows that doesn't give me license not to change. And we aren't talking major baggage, folks but whatever I am hauling around is heavy none-the-less. I mean, I whine when I should just say what I want. I nag when I promised myself I wouldn't be that woman. I don't always say "thank you". But the real crapper is that I'm so incredibly helpful. Let me tell you how helpful being helpful is when ain't noooobody asked for my help...So I am learning to trust James to be the man I love and married because he vowed that he would...loving, dutiful, selfless, focused...a grown man who was living an adult life long before I came along and doing just fine. Don't get me wrong we add to each others lives but my man is no child.

You ask, "Monique, when did you first know you had a problem?" I'm glad you asked. I was on my way to work one day while James was catching his last bit of rest before class. I leaned over, kissed him goodbye and I as walked away I said, "Did you finish your homework because you know you need to get it done?...And have you started your paper...you should to that today so you won't be stressed this weekend.." To this volley of questions prescribed for any lazy 3rd grader my husband smiled and responded... "Yes, baby...no, baby...good idea, baby." and capped it all off with a resounding "You know, you are going to make a good mother." (he says he was being sincere and I believe him).

So I asked my mom, shaking and fully irritated with myself (2 months later)..."Did you ever do this and when will God fix me so I will stop?". Her (eh, hopeful) response was that after 43 years of marriage God is still working those things out in her (and she had the nerve to chuckle).

I went to the lake last Friday for my weekly MyDay Friday...day-off...mini-retreat...time alone to read my books. I prayed(ish) but I didn't know what to ask for. I read. I pondered. I looked at the water and felt the wind hoping that the Holy Spirit might inspire a life-changing thought correlating nature to my current condition rendering a "fixed" better wife...Didn't happen. Finally in my fourth hour while reading a random line in a random fictional book God reminded me that the Holy Spirit is praying for me...He, Himself, the Holy One. This took my breath away. I had my own personal, still-whisper, Elijah moment...and it touched me to the core. So I going to stop pulling and untwisting because I have not a clue where to begin but the Lord's does so I think I will meet him at the lake again and see what else He has to say.